Fort Hood promises to keep murdering soldiers, despite name change

FORT HOOD CAVAZOS HOOD, TX — After the U.S. Army officially renaming the infamous Fort Hood to Fort Cavazos and then back to Fort Hood in an effort to, quote, “move forward,” Army leaders are assuring the public that absolutely nothing else will change — including the post’s long-standing reputation for systemic dysfunction, unchecked violence, and existential dread.

“The name may be newish,” said Lt. Gen. Kevin Admiral, during a ribbon-cutting ceremony, “but our commitment to opaque investigations and unresolved soldier deaths remains ironclad.

Soldiers stationed at the newly branded Fort Hood Cavazos Hood responded with a shrug.

“They put a new sign up by the gate and handed out commemorative coins,” said Spc. Maria Vasquez, whose squad leader mysteriously vanished three weeks ago. “Cool. My barracks still has mold that screams at night.”

The installation — long considered the Army’s Bermuda Triangle for career hopes and human rights — underwent a branding refresh following public outcry, multiple Congressional hearings, and a years-long streak of violence, abuse, and neglect that made Fort Apache, The Bronx look like an MWR picnic.

Renaming it after Gen. Richard Cavazos — the Army’s first Hispanic four-star and a certified badass — was meant to symbolize progress. But sources confirm that renaming efforts have done little to exorcise the installation’s core demons.

“Soldiers still go missing,” said one chaplain, lighting a sage bundle outside the DFAC. “We just hold vigils under a newer, slightly nicer sign now.”

Sources confirmed that, despite the cosmetic update, investigations will continue to be led by the same people who ignored the problem in the first place, victims will be blamed in perpetuity, and the culture of fear will forever thrive in the heart of Texas.

An internal memo accidentally emailed to the entire DoD summarized the Army’s approach best, “If we change the name fast enough, people might forget the death rate.”

At press time, Fort Hood Cavazos Hood officials unveiled a new morale initiative: a giant “VANISHING WALL” outside the HQ, where photos of missing soldiers fade as if Thanos snapped them. The wall was met with applause by senior leaders and tears from literally everyone else.