THE PENTAGON — Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Mark A. Milley is learning that breaking up is hard to do as the U.S. finishes its withdrawal from Afghanistan, according to Pentagon sources.

“That big burly general has a heart,” said Col. Nadine Martinez with the Joint Staff J-3. “And right now it's hurting. Afghanistan is getting all cozy with China and we’ve barely moved our stuff out of the closets yet.”

Other staff officers confirm that Milley feels “straight-up burned” that Afghanistan is also courting Iran, Pakistan, and “that vodka-swilling douchebag ex-occupier Russia.” Martinez said, “that stabs right in the old national security strategy heart.”

Sources say that Milley is responding with his “natural romantic spirit of a Spartan warrior” and searching for a quick war to get right back up on the national security horse.