SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Green Beans Coffee, a common sight on U.S. military installations worldwide, has ordered its rapid-recon force to Ukraine to scout locations of open coffee shops for the next unnecessary conflict.

With news of Russia massing more than 100,000 troops on Ukraine’s eastern border, the company has deployed its Detachment Ensuring Coffee for American Forces commando unit to map suitable locations. “The DECAF unit, made up of former military service members, has identified at least a dozen candidate sites from which our next generation of soldiers will get their caffeine fix while being bled dry in our next forever war,” said Green Beans CEO Jason Araghi.

“Napoleon’s Grande Armée and Hitler’s Wehrmacht lost because they didn’t have hot coffee drinks on-demand to take the edge off the infamous Russian winter,” Araghi continued during a news conference at the company’s headquarters.