PENTAGON — Defense Department Officials announced in a press conference on Wednesday, that starting next month, grooming standards will be relaxed to give balding military members “one last go at it.”

“It's similar to other initiatives to help transitioning service members,” said Peter Cook, Defense Department Spokesman. “They shouldn't have to wait until they get out to find out if they can grow gorgeous locks. By then it's too late.”

The decision came about after a recent internal review. Observers called the review "surprising," because it actually confirmed the existence of benefits to the standards. Nonetheless, the review was reportedly thrown in the trash almost immediately by Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh, whom People magazine last year described as "thinning on top."