TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Sgt. Alfred Johansson, who has spent a total of three and a half years of his life pooping inside of and masturbating in port-a-johns, doesn’t think the Covid-19 vaccine can possibly be safe.

Johansson, who once slept with three women in the same night, not once wearing protection, is also concerned about what the vaccine could do to his immune system.

“I may have eight pages worth of mandatory vaccinations in my records, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to have eight and a half pages,” said Johannson, while cleaning his teeth with toenail clippers.