WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has ordered military chaplains to stop teaching the words of Jesus during Christian services at the Pentagon after concluding the New Testament contains “multiple passages inconsistent with warrior culture.”

“I was reading the New Testament for the first time,” Hegseth told reporters. “And I kept running into this minor character named Jesus saying things that frankly don't line up with where we need Christianity to go.”

“So we're just going to skip those parts.”

According to a memorandum distributed to Pentagon chaplains, sermons should instead emphasize “the more operationally useful portions” of Scripture.

Officials said recommended topics include righteous vengeance, divinely sanctioned warfare, proper slave management, and selected Old Testament smiting.

Teachings involving mercy, loving one's enemies, caring for the poor, welcoming foreigners, turning the other cheek, or forgiving debts have been temporarily suspended pending review.

“If you actually preach what Jesus taught,” said Pastor Douglas Wilson, a guest speaker at the Pentagon, “Christianity becomes almost impossible to administer.”

Wilson added that several Beatitudes had already been removed because they “created unrealistic expectations among junior believers.”

Pentagon guidance also directs chaplains to continue teaching the Ten Commandments while clarifying that some commandments are “more aspirational than others.”

Hegseth dismissed criticism that the policy contradicted the central figure of Christianity.

“We all sin,” he said. “The important thing is asking forgiveness afterward. That's what separates us from people who never got caught.”

Military chaplains reportedly sought clarification on whether the Gospels remained authorized reading.

According to officials, they do — but only the parts where Jesus is flipping tables.

At press time, Pentagon officials confirmed a review was underway to determine whether the Book of Revelation should be redesignated as a strategic planning document.