DOUGLAS A. MUNRO BUILDING, Washington D.C. — In a bold new recruitment strategy that is shocking and amusing observers, the U.S. Coast Guard has unveiled its latest campaign slogan: “Hey You Fat F*ck, Join the Coast Guard!” 

Aimed at expanding its ranks with a touch of brutal honesty in the face of low recruitment numbers, the campaign seeks to attract applicants by embracing a no-holds-barred approach to physical fitness and personal motivation.

“We’ve found that traditional recruitment ads just don’t cut it anymore,” said Coast Guard recruitment officer Lt. Cmdr. Jake Fischer. “People want authenticity. And it’s hard to go viral without talking shit. Young people these days want to be called out and challenged. So, we thought, let’s fucking go!”