Drunk hurricane calls Coast Guard at 2 A.M. asking for place to crash

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PORTSMOUTH, Va. — A wasted hurricane by the name of Florence has reportedly been calling at all hours of the night looking for a place to crash, according to Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads.

“She’s pretty hammered,” said Petty Officer Sam Vallin, who spoke to Florence, “She was saying things like ‘HEY! It’s me yer best fuckin’ friend. I’m shitfaced from the Caribbean and I need a place to pass out and take a fackin’ shit’.”

Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads began making preparations on the off change Florence is what they call a Category 4 Shitstorm. This means she will likely arrive blackout drunk, begin eating everything out of the refrigerator, puke in the sink, start playing trap music at full volume, start a fight with the lamp, and have sustained winds of up to 140 mph with a 24 ft storm surge.

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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