DOVER AIR FORCE BASE, Del. — C-17 copilot and staunch conspiracy theorist Air Force 1st Lt. Kyle Korrigan received harsh criticism and a nap yesterday after refusing to wear a mask, according to sources. An unexpected depressurization at 37,000 feet knocked the pilot out, leaving the copilot claiming that supplemental oxygen is part of a “liberal agenda.” 

The Air Force is looking into the incident, but investigators believe the cause of the depressurization was the failure of a pressure-release valve. The rest of the crew was reported in good condition after they followed basic, common-sense instructions designed to keep them safe, such as “Put on a mask” and “Don’t take the mask off while the plane is depressurized.”

“It’s a pretty simple emergency procedure,” said Tech Sgt. Angus Smith, the loadmaster on the flight. “There’s a lot of stupid rules we have to follow in the military.

“But you can die from hypoxia.”