WASHINGTON — Congress has become a byword for fiscal and legislative gridlock, but in a recent rare glimmer of bipartisan unity the Senate and House passed a bill in less than two hours—quickly signed into law by President Biden—to fund a new monument on the Washington Mall dedicated to the many allies and partners that the United States has short-changed, waffled on, or otherwise abandoned in living memory.

“It’s great to see that those of us doing the people’s work can still find common ground,” stated Senator J.D. Vance, one of the lead co-sponsors of the bill “Bipartisan Infrastructure Guidance—Foreigners Used for Convenient Killing by Us,” or S.2974 BIG FUCK U for short. “The fact that the legislative and executive branches could pass this bill in record time shows that more things bring us together than separate us. In this case, members of both parties agree that if there’s one element of our foreign policy that deserves to be enshrined for decades to come, it’s leaving our allies overseas to take it up the ass when we get bored of the wars we ask them to fight for us.”

Representative Pramila Jayapal, who helped write the House’s version of the bill, shared the same sentiment. “I’ve shared many disagreements with my colleagues on the other side of the aisle over the years, be it over Social Security, immigration, or whether Israeli women raped by terrorists kinda had it coming,” said Jayapal at the signing ceremony. “And when Ukrainian president Zelensky visited just before Christmas, I just assumed we’d be having those arguments all over again. So I was pleasantly surprised when J.D. popped into my office after the new year and pitched giving our allies the BIG FUCK U. It captured the essence of our nation’s activities abroad. Doesn’t matter if you’re black or white, red or brown, Christian, Muslim, or Jew: so long as you’re not an American, someday the U.S. of A.’s gonna send you the Unlubed Dildo of Consequences for trusting us.”