An intelligence report has confirmed that the Taliban’s recent push to retake vast swaths of territory in Afghanistan is the direct result of a recent Air Force policy change that will allow airmen to put their hands in their pockets.

“Sure, Afghanistan’s incompetent military and the U.S. withdrawal are contributing factors,” said Sgt. Maj. Roy Bradman, an intelligence “But it’s clear that these nasty daggone airmen sticking their filthy meat hooks in their pockets is the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

The report was compiled by the elite Good Order and Discipline Center of Excellence (GOaD-CoE), which famously predicted the rise of the Islamic State group in 2014 after observing that a large percentage of the Iraqi army had “unsat friggin’ moos-taches.”