Iran mines own business

TEHRAN — Iranian officials insisted Monday that they are simply “mining their own business” after several sea captains complained about explosive devices appearing throughout the Strait of Hormuz.

According to one of three Iranian government officials reportedly still alive, the naval mines are part of a direct stimulus program designed to keep the country’s military-industrial complex functioning smoothly.

“You need growth to stay competitive,” said the Iranian official, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retaliation by Mossad. “The mine sector is very important to our economy. If we cannot export mines, then we must consume them domestically. The workers and their families are counting on us.”

The official explained that laying large numbers of mines in one of the world’s most important shipping lanes is simply a way of maintaining production levels while international markets remain “temporarily constrained.”

“Our economy is very fragile,” he said. “Our main exports are oil, kamikaze drones, and maritime mines. With U.S. sanctions hitting our oil and drones currently saturating the entire cradle of civilization, we had to find a solution. Since they make up a third of our economy, we have to keep the mine industry afloat. Otherwise, the whole sector could… sink.”

Iranian officials said the idea was inspired by American economic policy.

“Seventeen years ago I saw a news report about the great American tradition of the government burning all your money in a giant hole. We thought if the Americans could do that, we could do anything.”

“The strait is very deep and conveniently close to our factories,” he added. “From a logistics perspective, it is perfect. We could keep filling it with mines for decades. Once these ‘temporary restrictions’ end, we can simply retrieve them and return them to market. If we lose a few to accidental discharges, that is just the cost of doing business.”

The government confirmed it is already expanding industrial capacity, citing strong long-term demand.

“These are good jobs,” a finance ministry official said before reportedly exploding in a drone strike mid-sentence. “Manufacturing them comes with some risk, but it is still safer than most government positions at the moment.”

Officials also defended the policy as consistent with international norms.

“We just want to be left alone to mine our own business,” said the government official. “You don't hear us complaining about how the United States has thrown dollar-after-dollar into an endless burning pit of fire for twenty years in the Middle East."

At the White House, President Donald Trump weighed in on the situation.

“They are wonderful — big, beautiful mines,” Trump said. "I’ve never seen such huge, round, very round metal balls before. Come to think of it, they would make perfect balls for Arnold Palmer. Huge dick that guy — oh, I’m being told the mines are Iranian. Very bad mines. The worst. Terrible things those mines are doing to the oil prices. Bad for oil, bad for business. Nothing we can do."

The head of the Iranian government — whoever currently holds the position — responded on X.

“If the United States wishes us to stop,” the official account of the Supreme Ayatollah said, “they are always welcome to purchase our exports instead of throwing their money into the giant hole.”