ISIS claims responsibility for herpes, First Sergeants, and 2pac

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SAN DIEGO, Calif. — ISIS released a series of media statements over the weekend claiming responsibility for Pfc. Jason Nix's shitty haircut, Third Battalion, Fifth Marines' canceled 96-hour liberty pass, and all Marine Corps first sergeants, according to counter-terrorism officials.

Top Marine Corps leaders however, released a statement Monday admitting its approximately 1,300 first sergeants were most likely self-inflicted and had no direct connection to the extremist group.

Defense officials are scrambling to counter the Islamic State media releases, which also claimed responsibility for the prevalence of herpes among Marine Corps infantrymen, Staff Sgt. Michael Dix's refusal to play anything other than 2Pac in the maintenance bay, all future liberty briefs, and the 2014 "Be a Marine Spy" Marine Corps Times cover.

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