TEL AVIV, Israel — The nation of Israel broke a nearly 50-year silence yesterday when it revealed the sneaky diplomatic secret that it has used to increase mass and get huge gains without once going to the gym or the United Nations General Assembly.

"This is an ancient secret that has been passed down through the generations," the State of Israel said in remarks recorded on a VHS tape mailed to Duffel Blog in a suspicious brown-paper package after we paid $19.99 in crisp, unmarked shekels and provided our social-security and bank account numbers through a Google Form. "Very ancient Israel secret. The trick is getting the Americans to either not care about, or better yet, support your shady international dealings and land grabs through a combination of guilt-tripping and savvy lobbying."

"Now you too can experience the joys of realpolitik in the 21st Century! Thrill to the sound of the goyim American Secretary of State impotently condemning your actions!"