WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps' Lance Corporal-in-Chief delivered his State of the Underground address earlier this week, promising his fellow E-3s that the lance corporal underground has "never been stronger," sources confirmed today.

"The number of working parties is at a 30-year-low, allowing even more of us to enjoy playing Xbox in our barracks room while PFC’s and privates do menial tasks," said Maximilian Uriarte, a Marine veteran who has served since 2009 as the Corps' 23rd Lance Corporal-in-Chief, in an address to lance corporal nation.

"We’ve worked with senior leaders to reduce the length of formations by nearly 18 percent, and our stand-by time by almost double that. And we have expanded our intelligence gathering, increased our rumor spreading, and are receiving word almost a full day before our junior NCOs."