“What up, Representative Boebert? As a fourth-award lance corporal I’ve never worried too much about the ‘honor’ part of ‘honor, courage, commitment,’ and it looks like you’re the same way,” he said, wearing a green-on-green ensemble featuring silkies apparently two sizes too small. “The Marine Corps birthday ball is a night about making bad decisions—I think you’re the perfect date for the occasion, so please join me for the chance to have enough fun that I can wake up as PFC Handslip the next day.”

Rep. Boebert is no stranger to controversy, having made headlines for everything from misusing campaign funds to being a homewrecker. But it was her latest escapade, at a viewing of the musical “Beetlejuice”, that caught Lance Corporal Handslip’s attention.

“When I saw her vaping inside a theater I was like, ‘Oh shit, you know what that means’. And then I saw her with this dude who rocks shower shoes in public and sags with her little clutch in his hand. He got to second base with her right there in a crowd. Son, in my dress blues and with my 247 PFT score, I can get a home run, no cap.”