FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Today’s ideologically driven mass shooting has been canceled because of the government shutdown, base officials and furloughed extremists confirmed Thursday.

“The plans for this indiscriminate violence had been in the works long before the current fiscal year,” said Spc. Jefferson Dale Earnhardt Davis, a fringe internet conspiracy theorist of some variety. “But with furloughs and closed facilities, it’s clear this isn’t an exempted activity.”

On Oct. 1, the government entered a shutdown due to a lapse in appropriations. Which means that many operations have been curtailed: training exercises, permanent change of station moves, morale activities, barracks mold remediation, rooting out DEI supporters, free government sex changes, abortion parties, white supremacist meetings at the base library, healthcare coverage, and mass shootings have all been cancelled due to the anti-deficiency act.

“The showdown of political will in Congress right now is addressing some of our deepest problems here at Fort Bragg, I mean Fort Liberty, or is it Fort Bragg now?” an anonymous second shooter reported from his mother’s basement. “Myself, along with a shadowy underground fighting against American values are going to pick up again on our unchecked violence, but not while we are having this fruitful public discussion on immigration. Or is it healthcare? I think I heard something about Greenland.”

Others have reported that one speech from Defense Secretary Pete 'Sharpie Sniffer' Hegseth was enough to revive their warrior spirit, but without TDY funding, the urge to line up the fatties against a wall execute them petered out pretty quickly.

“Joining Antifa sounded pretty sick, but now I’m covering for three furloughed GS employees,” 2nd Lt. Linda Graves added to the r/NewTerroristGroups reddit thread. “I’m just tired. I don’t have time for a hobby right now.”

Fort Bragg hasn’t had a mass shooting since 1995, after a soldier became frustrated with his command for having to pay out of pocket for equipment and opened fire on an 82nd Airborne Division PT session, killing one paratrooper and injuring others. The sniper incident came on the heels of racially motivated murders by a white supremacist group targeting black civilians to earn a specific tattoo. While 1995, 2009, 2013, 2014, and 2025 all witnessed mass shootings on military bases, a common factor was that the National Defense Authorization had passed, fulling funding the government.

According to Davis, the 1995 bombing of the federal government office building in Oklahoma City is held up as the gold standard but, he said, “It’s not worth my time accumulating explosives from the dark web if the feds aren’t even at work to notice.”

“My sexual harassment was starting to escalate towards murdering a woman with a higher PT score than me,” Sgt. Sherman Ramiraz reported from the smoke pit. “But I’m living paycheck to paycheck here. My tradwife needs new milkmaid dresses for her tic-tocs. I’m providing for her kids and my kids. Murder won’t make up for a lost paycheck.”

Meanwhile, a planned coup d'état scheduled for Thursday has also been called off due to the shutdown. 

“Oh, like hell I’m showing up to overthrow American institutions in favor of a tyrannical king of a President if I’m not getting BAH,” Davis added. “I’m going to make a dental appointment that day. Come and get me.”

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