WASHINGTON — The White House has appointed retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn as a Special Envoy to the region between Vladimir Putin’s ass cheeks, which the administration recognizes as the most critical and sensitive area for negotiations to end the Ukraine war.

“We will not follow the old ‘woke’ diplomacy method of involving Ukraine and Europe in negotiations about their own peace and security,” said National Security Council spokesman John Edholm, explaining the necessity of the special envoy. “We’re sending a special envoy with a crack team of alpha males to directly engage on what’s known as Putin’s ‘Rump Region.’”

Senior defense officials say Flynn is an accomplished expert on the region. A former National Security Advisor fired in 2017 over Russian entanglements, Flynn also enjoyed a lucrative relationship with Russia’s RT news network and a turn on Putin’s arm at a glitzy political dinner.

“I understand how Putin’s plans for Russian greatness are reasonable, certainly tough sometimes, but always fun dessert conversation,” Flynn said.