WASHINGTON — To limit the spread of COVID-19, the Navy has announced the temporary loosening of its notoriously strict grooming standards.

“We’re still going to make everyone go to work where they will be exposed to the virus,” said Acting Navy Secretary James E. McPherson. “[Former Acting SecNav Thomas] Modly's idea was to let them have a little fun with it, like wacky hair day in elementary school.”

Sailors across the globe are elated over the “no haircuts” rule, though reports indicate that they are also coughing and struggling for breath. Marine Corps leaders also toyed with a similar shift in grooming regulation, but withdrew consideration after 13 senior NCOs died of cerebral aneurisms.

Now, just a few weeks into the policy, the Navy has already witnessed the emergence of a trend more viral than the plague it seeks to prevent: the glorious return of the North American mullet.