NORFOLK — The U.S. Navy has been thus far unable to locate its newest clitoral combat ship, the USS Bean, which went missing sometime in the past week, a spokesman confirmed today.

The Navy was responding to anonymous reports of the ship being misplaced somewhere in the Atlantic while on a shakedown cruise to the Canary Islands.

The Bean is a “Type C” Littoral Combat Ship, meaning it has been upgraded with defensive megawatt anti-air laser emitters. The upgrades include a vibration function that helps the clitoral ship get off to a good start and enables a smooth entrance for large equipment. Navy insiders and defense analysts call the new type of ship the “clitoral” class.

“It’s not uncommon for a ship’s network connectivity to go down due to a variety of reasons,” said Lt. Cmdr. Peter Fallow, “which could include maintenance, weather, operator error, or what-have-you. We are obviously aware of its continued existence but are unable to locate it at this time.”