WASHINGTON — The Chief of Naval Operations today published a long-awaited instruction clarifying the difference between rumor intelligence, scuttlebutt and gouge.

OPNAV Instruction 9710894.666, Understanding and Disseminating RUMINT, Scuttlebutt and Gouge, was released to wide acclaim by previously-confused seamen and uncomprehending junior officers. The instruction is designed to improve performance and morale by helping the Navy develop a Common Gouge Picture, instead of its current standard of allowing E-4s and O-2s fleet-wide to dictate what disconnected crap the CNO is reading in his office every morning.

According to the instruction, RUMINT is “single-source information strictly intended for the purpose of sowing discontent, or for allowing that one seaman to act like she’s totally in the know.”