CAMP HANSEN, Okinawa — Hospitalman First Class Robert F. Kennedy was recently made the leading petty officer of the currently deployed Battalion Aid Station for the Second Battalion, Seventh Marine Regiment. It’s a move he has long desired but does not come without controversy.

“I am making Havoc healthy again,” says Kennedy, the son of former presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, a longtime advocate for alternative medicines. “First, no more Motrin. That shit is causing autism in our Marines. Have you seen the heavy guns platoon? Case closed. Second, screw tourniquets. Blood is supposed to flow. So, traumatic amputations? Arterial bleeds? We are going to let those things work themselves out. I am done subsidizing Big Tourniquet. Also, dry socks are out. Toes need to breathe. So, Marines will be barefoot from here on out.”

Kennedy’s innovations primarily revolve around medicine considered “unsupported” and sometimes “ardently opposed” by traditional caregivers with “actual medical degrees.” His beliefs have seen him spend hours at the Camp Hansen chow hall excoriating local national Sodexo employees about ultra-processed foods, food additives, toxic chemicals, and industrial agriculture.