WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Navy said Wednesday that it did not have a drinking problem and it could "totally quit drinking anytime," sources confirmed.

The Navy cited it is dealing with numerous stressful issues and picking up a bottle from time to time hasn't made any significant impact on mission accomplishment. Among the day-to-day stressors the Navy says it experiences are boredom, anger at the Marine Corps for always flirting with all the hot Air Force babes, and recent budget woes from sequestration.

"Friggin' dress blues are the number one cause of pregnancy in the military," slurred the Navy. It went on to decry the F-35, ranting that it was an "expensive piece of crap" and lamenting the "great gooddamn feature where it blows up when hit by lighting."