SAN DIEGO, Calif. — The fattest service nine years running, the Navy is seeking a solution to the obesity epidemic sweeping our nation’s military. The service has made it clear, however, that the solution must not entail regular unit physical training or actual, enforced height/weight standards. Leading from the deckplates, the sailors of the USS Laboon (DDG-58) claim they have found the answer.

“Two words, three syllables: ‘SLOW. FEEDER.’” said Culinary Specialist Second Class, Jackson Smith, referring to the fun, puzzle food bowl for pets. “These heffalumps are walking through my chow line, piling their plate with mashed potatoes and chicken fried steak.”

“I actually had to hide the dessert tray in the back because they would just park a chair in front of it and go hog wild.”

Smith said that his breaking point occurred two months back, when he was trapped behind a sailor wedged in a ladderwell. Running back to the mess decks, he grabbed a 10-gallon bucket of standard issue horse grease and buttered up the bulky bluejacket, getting under his haunches and heaving upward until he popped through the hatch like a super Mario brother emerging from a warp pipe.