CENTER OF DIS, HELL — With three icebreakers at over 40 years of use and abuse in the Polar Regions, the Coast Guard finally announced that the new icebreaker currently under construction will be complete just in time for Hell to freeze over.

In a recent hearing of the House Subcommittee on the Coast Guard on Monday, chairman Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.) asked U.S. Coast Guard vice commandant Adm. Charles D. Michel on whether or not a new icebreaker would be constructed at all. Adm. Michel responded with, “Yes, we have been in talks with Lucifer and his Minions of Doom regarding the deadline and we are all in agreement that this timeline works for us.”

“This is very exciting,” said former serial killer Ted Bundy, from the the Seventh Circle of Hell. “Our all-knowing and gloriously hateful lord of fire will be able to continue his reign of sin on the unholy all thanks to the speedy manufacturing of Vigor Industrial Shipyard and the US Coast Guard.”