THE PENTAGON — The newly appointed Sergeant Major of the Army (SMA) announced today that every single member of the military, from privates to generals, will now be required to wear a green beret.

"We've been experimenting with different headgear for years, and we've finally settled on the green beret as the perfect symbol of our military might," said Command Sgt. Maj. Michael Weimer, a Special Forces soldier with more than 20 years experience in special ops. "It's the ultimate combination of style and function."

Weimer’s edict falls in line with a series of similar decisions from the Army brass regarding uniforms in recent years. This includes the transition away from army greens, to dress blues, to the old/new pinks and greens—all of which coincided with the epic destruction of the battle dress uniform as it was replaced by clown costumes until the army rediscovered camouflage.

The move was reminiscent of a similar 2001 decision by then-Army Chief of Staff Gen. Eric Shinseki. When Duffel Blog reporters reached out for comment, Shinseki praised the move as “something I should have thought of. This is absolutely endorsed by me.”