NORFOLK, Va. — Navy Exchange Service CEO R.J. Bianchi today announced the development of "express lanes" for veterans who have a shopping cart exclusively full of alcohol and cigarettes. The new lanes, which will debut later this month in at least 80 NEX stores, came about after a disgruntled Navy captain had to wait more than 40 minutes just to purchase an Apple-Kale Naked™ Smoothie at a store in Bremerton last year.

"It’s time to prioritize customers who understand the real value of the exchange," Bianchi said, speaking at Naval Amphibious Base Little Creek. “I mean, these veterans have seen some serious shit, so the least we can do is provide a more efficient way to escape their own personal hell — and get the rest of our customers out the door quicker.”

The lanes will be include specially-trained staff with updated terminals that can handle the large number of personal checks from the older veterans who have yet to adjust to a debit card system. Cashiers with masters' degrees in social work will also listen to their sea stories, no matter how tedious.