7 habits of highly effective suicide bombers
Are you a suicide bomber aspirant struggling to succeed in today's saturated market? Are you envious that everyone is calling Yusuf the "Damascus Dominator" because he courageously took out a room full of children with a suicide vest? We here at Duffel Blog understand that blowing yourself up can be a daunting, if not downright terrifying task. To help you achieve the guilt-free martyrdom that comes with murder, we've adapted Stephen R. Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" in order to make sure that you go out with a bang.
Be proactive — or in this case — proactively reactive! Don't forget that an explosion is a chemical reaction, and chemical reactions can be finicky! If you don't have the right combination of ingredients in your explosive vest, your career is going to fizzle pretty quickly. And speaking of being proactive, there's no reason for you to wait for a private invitation from the shadow governor of Kandahar. Get out there and seize the opportunity to maim civilians in the name of Allah. That's what a highly effective suicide bomber would do.
Begin with the end in mind — or in this case — your end in mind! Take a moment to really visualize your end goal, the sound of your own body being torn apart by your misguided and deliberately misinterpreted faith. Really focus on it. The more clearly you can see the tarnishing of the world's opinion of Islam, the more ironclad your resolve will be.
Put first things first — or in this case — last things first! You're going to die. Seriously, this is it. I hope you're comfortable with that part because there's nothing really in here that's going to help with coping.
Think win-win. Are there any creative ways that you can use your desire to become a suicide bomber to benefit other people and achieve your objective? We might suggest detonating yourself in a Twinkie factory, scattering that tasty cream for the whole world to enjoy. Barring that, you could, you know, not detonate yourself and become a contributing member of society instead. Your call!
Seek first to understand, then to be understood — or in this case — blot out all other opinions by screaming "Allahu akbar" as loudly as you can!
Synergize! To be totally honest, we're not really sure what this word means, but we're almost positive it applies to suicide bombing, and you should definitely do it!
Sharpen the saw — or, in this case — the nails! Attaching sharp objects to yourself before detonation is a sure-fire way to sew even more chaos when you send yourself into the hereafter.
With these seven habits, your career as a suicide bomber is guarantee to be long (but also short), prosperous, and full of life (but also death). The most important thing is not to be discouraged — be highly effective!