Coast Guard Mostly Saves Very Stupid People, Study Finds
WASHINGTON, DC — Nearly 83 percent of mariner rescues since 1960 involved unrelentingly stupid behaviors and/or people, according to a recent study by the U.S. Coast Guard.
Though the service treats all search and rescue situations equally, most on-scene commanders will privately admit that a majority of the time "it was just some dumb bastard with no concern for personal safety," according to the study's authors.
"These statistics are unthinkable," said Coast Guard spokesperson Lt. Carla Willmington. "Our service prides itself on response time, SAR organization, and comprehensive rescue pattern analysis. But it's tough to stay on task when the bulk of these cases involve people paralyzed from the neck up. "
The U. S. Coast Guard Office of Search and Rescue report examined nearly all cases handled on inland and offshore waters from 1960 through 2014. Following the Federal Boating Act of 1971, increases in cases by "fucking idiots" and "goddamn morons" have been staggering, and very chall…
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