WASHINGTON — The newly commissioned Department of Government Efficiency has announced plans to triple veteran suicide rates in an effort officials say will cut government spending and reduce the federal deficit. DOGE, the brainchild of Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, released a list of proposals to reduce government waste, which includes eliminating VA disability payments by eliminating veterans.

“Look, 22 a day just isn’t going to cut it,” said Musk when asked how cutting benefits for veterans would measurably reduce the federal deficit. “We need double, even triple those numbers to tackle even two minutes on the federal deficit clock. And I think we can achieve these numbers quickly through hard work.”

Musk outlined the details for increasing veteran suicides, such as reducing access to VA healthcare by pushing mental health providers to quit, pulling back disability payments many veterans survive on by downgrading disability ratings, and increasing veteran access to firearms.