THE PENTAGON — In news that has every sailor and Marine in the Department of the Navy literally wailing with inconsolable grief, President Trump recently announced the nomination of a former soldier to be the next Secretary of the Navy, thus officially replacing the “greatest naval hero of the last century," Ray Mabus.
According to White House sources familiar with the decision, the president chose Philip Bilden, a former U.S. Army intelligence officer, for his myriad talents and abilities, though he lamented having to replace Mabus — a man universally beloved by the Navy and Marine Corps for being “a principled leader who never compromised his position to push his own political or social agendas," Trump said.
While serving for eight years as the 75th Secretary of the Navy, Mabus was held in the highest regard by the sailors and Marines he led.
Such near hero-worship was due to his wildly popular orders like gender-neutralizing the Navy’s rank and ratings system, naming warships after progressive social justice icons, forcing the integration of women into combat roles and onto submarines despite idiotic “concerns” from admirals and generals who had only 35 or 40 years of experience, and also trying to fuel every ship and aircraft in the fleet with patchouli oil.
Mabus was also highly respected by sailors for having himself served as a young man in the Navy for approximately seven minutes, where most assumed he had developed a deep and abiding respect for the Navy as a service and institution.
Following his departure from the Pentagon last week, the Navy acknowledged Mabus’ service in an official announcement:
“While Secretary Mabus was famous for being the longest serving secretary since World War I, what most people don’t know is that he also holds the honor of being one of the two most beloved ‘SECNAVs’ in history," a statement read.
"He was loved just as much as Secretary John Long, who boasted of being ‘a civilian who doesn’t know the stem from the stern of a ship,' and was also the brilliant strategist who sent the USS Maine to Havana on a critically important public relations mission, where it was promptly blown-up, killing 266 sailors, thus giving us the opportunity to wage the Spanish American War. Yes, we loved Secretary Mabus as much as him.”
When asked to comment on the prospect of the U.S. Navy being led by a former Army reservist turned private equity manager, most reflected on their love of Fightin' Ray.
“Look, I don’t know nothin' about some soldier managing anyone’s privates, but what I do know is that Mabus was a hero who loved sailors," said Boatswain's Mate Third Class Harlan “Ox” Jones, who praised Mabus' 2016 decision to remove 'man' from Navy rates.
"Finally someone willing to stand up to the Goddamn patriarchy that has been destroying the Navy. Toxic masculinity never won a war idiots!”
At press time, the Navy released its final “farewell and following seas” message for Mabus:
"Mr. Secretary, you now join the august pantheon of military heroes upon whose shoulders rest the accomplishments of our Republic. We shall remember your legacy right along with Benedict Arnold, George Armstrong Custer, Bowe Bergdahl, Chelsea Manning, Captain Queeg, John Walker, Marcus Aurelius Arnheiter, and the double agent Kevin Costner played in No Way Out."