SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Experts at an ear protection symposium held at 3M’s corporate headquarters last week unanimously agreed “The Sound of Freedom” is tinnitus, sources confirm.

Chairman and chief executive officer Mike Roman used his keynote speech to introduce the experts behind an explosive 3M-funded report titled, “No More Hearsay: Tinnitus Is Patriotism And Vice Versa.”

Local KSTP-TV reporter Renée Swanson quoted Roman as saying, “It got wild when our experts discovered Russian soldiers are issued worse ear protection than what 3M produces. This means Russkies hear more sounds of freedom than we do. We must not allow an earpro gap.”