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Five-time suicide drone pilot gets another 72 virgins

Martyr ace thanks God, wives, Taliban

Shrapnel recovered by Taliban fighters who hoped to sell it for scrap

TABRIZ AIR BASE, Iran — An Iranian Air Force pilot who flew his “suicide drone” into Taliban personnel during recent border skirmishes over water between Iran and Afghanistan was awarded 72 virgins for a record fifth time at a ceremony held yesterday on the base’s parade ground, Duffel Blog has learned.

A VHS tape smuggled out of Iran shows Air Defense Force Commander Brig. General Alireza Sabahifard presenting yet another harem of six dozen undefiled concubines to Capt. Ahmad Meyghani, Jr. for his record-breaking remote effects kamikaze attack that blew up a single Toyota Tacoma left behind at Hamid Karzai International Airport, killing three and seriously inconveniencing the remaining twenty-four Taliban fighters who used the truck to get to the fight.

Iran’s decision to bestow 360 consorts to Meyghani follows the hasan sahih hadith tenet that a martyr receives 72 vestal virgins. A Duffel Blog translator quoted Sabahifard saying “‘remote effects’ do not change the fact Ahmad committed suicide each time he dove his aircraft into enemy formations.”

The VCR tape shows Sabahifard unveiling a plaque to commemorate Iran’s first “martyr ace” and noting the dedication represented by his five suicides. In a brief speech that followed, Meyghani gave, “Thanks to Allah, peace be upon him, also, what up to my wives and my main virgins: Anahita, Azadeh, Daria, Farah, Leila one, two, and three and my water lily, Niloufar. Last but not least, much love to the Taliban. I could not have done it without them.”

The captain turned to speak to younger drone pilots in the audience. “Hundreds of virgins isn’t all it’s made out to be,” Meyghani told them. “It’s a lot of work. My balls are as dried out as the Lut desert. Fortunately, none of them have any idea what life outside an oppressive religious construct could be like; much less an orgasm. Also, they’re imaginary so… you know, whatever. Anyway, I say sacrifice yourself for jihad as many times as you can. Think about lube and Kleenex ahead of time.”

Sabahifard invited Meyghani to introduce his family at the ceremony. The martyr pointed out his four wives, then switched to a notebook to thank by name the 288 virgins he was previously awarded — including nine who were “giving virtual birth as I speak, Alhamdulillah!” Two lieutenants fainted from heat exhaustion during the speech.

Asked for comment, the US veteran’s community said, “Hahahahahahahaha…whoah, man….Hehehehehehehehe….whooooooweeee…we did not see this coming.” After wiping collective tears of joy they said, “Game on fellas!” before collapsing into laughter.

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who recommends a salve for that weeping rash your first sergeant gave you.

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