LONDON — The Parliament of the United Kingdom formally opened its 245th annual set of hearings today into what it described as "the unprovoked insurrection" which took place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, on July 4, 1776.

"This House will hear about plots to commit seditious conspiracy on July 4th, to overthrow Her Majesty’s Government in the American colonies,” said Labor Party leader Keir Starmer in his opening remarks. “These were deliberate acts in violation of the Treason Act of 1766 and were committed in state houses, taverns, plantations, and on the high seas.”

He then issued a statement praising 'the thin red line' of British soldiery who spent the next five years unsuccessfully attempting to restore order.

Starmer was referring to an incident in 1776, triggered when a drunken mob calling itself “The Second Continental Congress” occupied the Pennsylvania State House while waving tiki torches and shouting “Depriveth Her of Liberty!”