By G-Had

LONDON — The Parliament of the United Kingdom formally opened its 245th annual set of hearings today into what it described as "the unprovoked insurrection" which took place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, on July 4, 1776.

"This House will hear about plots to commit seditious conspiracy on July 4th, to overthrow Her Majesty’s Government in the American colonies,” said Labor Party leader Keir Starmer in his opening remarks. “These were deliberate acts in violation of the Treason Act of 1766 and were committed in state houses, taverns, plantations, and on the high seas.”

He then issued a statement praising 'the thin red line' of British soldiery who spent the next five years unsuccessfully attempting to restore order.

Starmer was referring to an incident in 1776, triggered when a drunken mob calling itself “The Second Continental Congress” occupied the Pennsylvania State House while waving tiki torches and shouting “Depriveth Her of Liberty!”

They then passed a series of resolutions citing both Natural Law and several posts on 4chan to declare independence, followed by an immediate investigation into whether King George III was running a child sex ring out of a London pizzeria.

Previous inquiries have highlighted the role of Thomas Jefferson, usually depicted shirtless and wearing his ceremonial buffalo horns with red, white, and blue face paint, signing the document before declaring that the day was a victory over what he called "the Satan-worshipping pedophile cannibals" who control the British Monarchy and "The Whig-tards" in Parliament.

Parliamentarians suggested the insurrection had been planned, referring to a June 29th pamphlet by Virginia agitator Patrick Henry which read: "Big protest in Philly on July 4th. Be there, will be wild!" Henry had earlier been banned from posting in various town squares after spreading rumors that the King was sending an Army to the colonies, composed of Hessian mercenaries, the Rothschild family, and MS-13.

In this year’s hearing, the Committee has promised new evidence linking the Congress to the Sons of Liberty, a Wyte Supremacist group that had itself been previously investigated by the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Select Committee for widespread tea dumping without a permit.

The July 4 committee also promised an expanded view into Benjamin “Boogaloo” Franklin, the Hawaiian shirt-wearing extremist who was already a suspect in a series of pipe and letter-bomb attacks against Crown officials.

The Speaker of Parliament has already said he did not know if the committee could bring any formal criminal charges due to the time elapsed but suspected that the descendants of these men could face a £15 fine and lose access to the National Health Service.