By As for Class

FORT BRAGG, NC — Sgt. Vincent "The Fin" Flosser has long regaled his squad with his ambitions to leave the service for a life he would, "totally own." However, such a move is unlikely due to his inability to function in his current position.

The Fin is currently hampered by the strict requirements of fitness within the military. He makes a point to discuss this with his soldiers at least three times a week. "A bro has to run and I just can't get swoll and run. And I sprained my ankle a few years ago at NTC, so that's why I have this gut,” said the Fin.

Despite his current poor performance, The Fin plans to open up "the sickest" t-shirt company the military has ever seen, rife with politically inappropriate designs and beer koozies just as soon as he is handed his DD-214.

There has been a mixed reaction to The Fin’s plans among the lower enlisted. Some truly see The Fin as a representation of everything that is wrong about the military, referring to The Fin only as "vet bro.”