Hegseth budget plan just stick figure with huge tits
Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after receiving the ambiguous guidance.
THE PENTAGON — Budgetary offices across the service branches are scrambling after Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth released his long-awaited fiscal guidance, sources confirmed today.
With uncertainty already high in the wake of surgical and well-implemented cutbacks executed by the Department of Government Efficiency, Pentagon fiscal planners genuinely looked forward to the new defense budget as a predictable planning document clearly articulating the administration’s military priorities. Instead they were greeted by a late-Friday night message on Hegseth’s X account, which featured what appeared to be a female stick figure with enhanced mammaries on SecDef letterhead along with the cryptic message “#budget #boobs #battletested.”
With his background of extensive leadership in large organizations with multi-billion dollar budgets, observers expected Hegseth’s fiscal guidance to be laser-focused on key priorities such as recruiting, retention, shipbuilding, revitalization of the defense industrial base, maintenance supply chains, infrastructure for overseas basing and access, resilience in space-based satellite constellations and communications nodes, modernization of legacy equipment, proliferation of unmanned and autonomous systems, network hardening, integration of hypersonic and quantum technology, live virtual constructive training environments, competitive pay, quality of life improvements, and other programs nested within the priorities of the National Security Strategy, National Defense Strategy, and National Military Strategy.
It appears, however, that Secretary Hegseth opted for a different direction, leaving each Service to interpret the drawing as best it could.
“Putting Pete at the Pentagon made it clear things weren’t business as usual, so on the Marine Corps side, we were already spring-loaded with several fiscal options for the SecDef,” noted Maj. Travis Brasidas of the Corps’ Combat Development and Integration command. “After all, we’re the only branch that’s repeatedly passed an audit, so we figured we could meet Secretary Hegseth’s high standards. We ran dozens of budget drills under different scenarios, everything from funding the Corps enough to make every rifleman an orbital drop shock trooper to replacing all of our machine guns with chainsaws for bureaucracy.”
“Then the Secretary posted that picture, and we realized it’d never occurred to us that his guidance would be the equivalent of asking a drunk and ketamine-laden PFC what his plans were on a Friday night. But, semper gumby and all that, we’re meeting the secretary where he is. After extensive consultations with our requirements officers, civilian staff — the three we have left — and key members of the Lance Corporal Mafia, we condensed our budget submission down to two line items.
“First, all female Marines will undergo mandatory breast augmentation to an 8th & I-cup. The second was a porta-shitter with Wagner Loves Cock written all over it in a variety of fonts—some fun, some professional. It turns out that Secretary Hegseth absolutely loved it, and it now has a place of honor in his office. We’re told he likes to take his Post-It sketch and go inside several times a day for his Commander’s Time.”
Other service branches struggled in crafting their own budgetary submissions. A Navy spokesman admitted they were confused about Secretary Hegseth’s priorities, since intercepting swarms of adversary missiles and hitting record-high recruiting numbers did not evidently meet the lethality and readiness metrics required for the Chief of Naval Operations to keep her job. As an interim step, the Navy would submit jars of poop water to the Pentagon every week until hopefully the pesky inspector general who keeps hassling them about it gets fired.
The Army, meanwhile, announced that it intended to fully align with the Defense Secretary’s goal of cost reductions by not feeding its soldiers and eliminating clothing and housing line items.
At press time, reporters were searching for Secretary Hegseth to ask follow-up questions, only to be told by his aide that the Secretary had taken his memo to his private porta-john with instructions that he not be disturbed for the next 45 minutes.
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
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Brutality. But in a good way.
Oh, SNAP! LOL