THE PENTAGON — Following the revelation that he had illegally shared classified information on a Signal group chat which included a journalist, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth vowed to punish himself with a program of self-remediation to prevent future unauthorized disclosures of classified material, sources confirmed today.

“Accountability has been my watchword from day one, and my little boo-boo is no exception,” said Hegseth. “So to show our service members that I hold myself to the same standards as them, I’m immediately adding an additional set of 47 pushups to my morning routine as a reminder that vigilance never sleeps.”

The Atlantic recently revealed that Secretary Hegseth used the Signal messaging app to provide a small group of officials with targeting, weaponeering, and attack sequencing details on planned strikes against the Houthi terrorist group. The group chat included the vice president, senior cabinet members, a journalist whose initials matched those of U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer — though nobody checked to see which “JG” it actually was — three operatives from the GRU, a stripper named Big Bombs, and Larry the Cable Guy.

“Now I know what you’re all thinking,” said Hegseth in a special Twitter video featuring 4K resolution to capture an extra-crisp pocket square, “from now on, how can I possibly stand in front of our troops and talk about standards and accountability after committing a security violation that would mean jail time for a lesser rank? Great question, which I’ll answer with all your other great questions in the community notes on X once my buddy Elon removes fake news like ‘White House confirms this shit smoothie of stupidity actually happened.’”