DES MOINES — Despite a class-action lawsuit victory for combat veterans against 3M for selling earplugs they knew did not work, local judge Michael Lois will not hear the case of an individual soldier who is almost completely deaf, sources confirmed today.

“Hearing loss is a natural part of aging, and I see no evidence to the contrary,” Lois shouted at reporters in his quiet office. “Back when I served, we didn’t even believe in earplugs and hearing loss, and we ended up just fine.”

David Ross, the soldier bringing the case forward, reached out to an attorney after seeing hundreds of ads on his Facebook feed about the deficient ear protection.

“As a two-forty gunner, the 3M earplugs were so useless I didn’t even wear them after the first month,” he wrote in an email to reporters. “My disability rating from the VA for hearing loss is nice, but it’s certainly not enough to make up for the fact that I don’t want to work anymore and have to play video games on full volume in my parents’ basement for the rest of my life.”

Lois believes the legal system will function properly in everyone’s interests.

“Even if the case came into the courtroom, the young man’s arguments would fall on deaf ears,” Lois noted over the full-volume ringing of his phone, to which he was oblivious. “It sounds to me like he’ll get enough compensation through the class-action settlement.”

For veterans who believe they may be entitled to some portion of the class action payout, contact the attorneys responsible to collect your $.94 check.