Military funeral attendees unsure whether soldier was special ops or dumbass
By Slab Squatthrust
BILLERICA, Mass. — The small number of attendees who turned out for the funeral of a U.S. Army corporal who died last month during an undisclosed operation may have been special operations or just a really obnoxious dumbass that nobody liked, sources confirmed today.
According to sources, Josh Lencz’s casket was transported from Billerica City Hall to St. Mary’s Church and escorted by a guy named “Butch” who knew him from the “good ol’ days when we used to get drunk, fight strangers, and steal copper from construction sites.”
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Lencz’s family, including his two ex-wives, a mistress, and various illegitimate children appreciated the limited but present support, Billerica Mayor Bob Furf said.
“Not much is known about what Josh did during his military service, and it seems like he made some questionable decisions in his life, but we wanted to make sure this was dignified and a celebration of life,” he said.
The funeral service was followed by a strip club crawl, which acquaintances say was his favorite activity when he wasn’t failing barracks room inspections and posting selfies of himself with night vision goggles on.
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