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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Friday, 25 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Duffel Blog

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Friday

25 September 2026

1737 Zulu

Next edition Monday

← Front page
· Page 2

Military spouse genitals now CAC-enabled

Sometimes you need to lick it first.

Filed · 0200

Dude! Are you just going in dry?

THE PENTAGON – In its latest modernization effort at improving cybersecurity hygiene for military families, the Department of Defense announced that the genitalia of all military spouses will become Common Access Card-enabled by the end of the fiscal year.

”The penises and vaginas of our military family members deserve the same benefits and security features as the penises and vaginas of servicemembers themselves,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said, “the latter of which have been CAC-enabled since 2014.”

When it comes to securing your spouse’s private parts during a lengthy deployment overseas, experts say there’s no better solution than multi-factor authentication.

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