National Guard breaks up college protest by throwing enlistment flyers at crowd

“All I had to do was tell them they have to wake up before 8 a.m. two days a month and that’s all it took."

By Jeffrey Sowa

WASHINGTON — The D.C. National Guard has successfully broken up a protest at Georgetown University by launching enlistment and employment information into the crowds of protestors, sources confirmed today.

“Once we saw the violence that persisted around the country, like at Columbia University, we launched an intelligence campaign to determine a unique and non-violent way to disperse these gatherings peacefully and without harm,” said Maj. Travis Carver.

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The operation was a stunning success that resulted in zero arrests or serious injuries, as well as four leads for soldiers to enlist in the D.C. National Guard. Unfortunately, all four were disqualified due to obesity and marijuana usage.

“I’ve never seen people scatter so quickly,” said Sgt. Cody Covan after supplying protestors with information on how the National Guard would repay their student loans.

“All I had to do was tell them they have to wake up before 8 a.m. two days a month and that’s all it took,” added Spc. Benjamin Klein.

Teams of journalists from AP, CNN, MSNBC, and FOX had been covering the protest all morning, but once the National Guard Humvee arrived, which was custom-wrapped in Washington Commanders colors with the stereo turned up to the Three Doors Down's non-hit song “Citizen Soldier,” the media was unified in its desire to leave.