PYONGYANG — Olympic fever swept over the Hermit Kingdom faster than a winter famine this year as the nation celebrated the astonishing accomplishments of the North Korean Olympic Team in Paris. To date, the team, composed exclusively of North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, has reportedly been awarded “all the gold medals,” according to state-run newspaper Rodong Sinmun.

“The divine athleticism of our Dear Leader has shocked the war mongering West, who reek of gun powder and Gatorade, and brought honor and glory to the people of True Korea,” said Kim Il-guk, President of the DPRK’s Olympic Committee and Concentration Camp Manager for Families of Losing Athletes. “I saw it with my own eyes.”

He then went into great detail about how, despite a torrential downpour and bolts of “heavenly lightning that cowed everyone else,” the North Korean leader executed flawless, gazelle-like leaps during the 110- and 400-meter hurdles.

Gen. Kang Sun-nam, the DPRK’s Minister of Defense, spoke of the one time it seemed Kim almost missed out claiming the gold in an event. 

“It was during the pole vault,” he said from a prepared statement. “Comrade Kim easily cleared the pole, but his massive, divine manhood brushed the bar and actually dislodged it. Thankfully, his hands, quick as a striking falcon, reached out and stopped the bar from falling.”

U.S. military leaders voiced skepticism of North Korea’s claims.