By Cat Astronaut

As war rages in Ukraine, the U.S. government has called former President Barack Obama out of retirement to “drone strike some bitches.”

“Mr. President, the world needs you now more than ever,” current President Joe Biden said in his first State of the Union address last evening. “There has never in history come a time when so many motherfuckers needed to get dunked on with a Reaper.”

Intelligence agencies had been working for weeks to locate the former Commander in Chief, who they believed was living a low-key life off the grid and away from the bustle of politics. They eventually located him deep in the Oregon wilderness living a humble existence as a logger, but he initially refused their pleas for help.