Good Morning, Marines.
As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life's greatest joys.
However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.
I'm just exhausted. I've been doing this shit since 1975, and I've got to tell you, man, I'm pooped. I legitimately can't remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I'm really not sure.
I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can't let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?
Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who's like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.
Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn't a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I'm fucking tracking.
But you assholes — and I'm speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for... I don't know... the next three hours.
Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.
Bottom line, Marines: It's not easy at the top.
So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you've earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I'm in the fucking Global.
Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn't had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.