By Zoltar the Malignant

KYIV, Ukraine — The Kremlin has sent hundreds of paid mercenaries into Ukraine with orders to “get moose and squirrel,” according to news reports.

The Wagner Group, a bloodthirsty Russian private military company under the thumb of President Vladimir Putin, has flown more than 400 hired guns into Ukraine in recent weeks to eliminate two American ex-pats identified as Bullwinkle J. Moose and Rocket “Rocky” J. Squirrel, The Times of London reported.

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken said the State Department is “gravely concerned” that Putin is targeting Americans as part of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and that attempts are ongoing to locate the duo of Frostbite Falls, Minn.

“We have no clue why Mr. Putin would target a dimwitted anthropomorphic moose, but who knows what the hell he’s thinking nowadays?” Blinken said. “We’re frankly surprised that maniac hasn’t called in a drone strike on the Smurf village — then again, given how the war is going for the Russians, they may not want to piss off the Smurfs, either.”