By Cat Astronaut

As the nation’s service academies prepare to welcome their next class of future officers, defense contractor Raytheon has announced it has secured a 10-year, $500 million contract to provide the U.S. Naval Academy with a bigger, greasier pole. 

“While the current Grease Pole has served our nation honorably for over a century and a half, it is severely lacking in cyber defenses, precision munitions, and the kind of slippery grease that makes you wanna get on up there and grind it,” said Vice Adm. Sean Buck, Naval Academy Superintendent. “Our partnership with Raytheon will solidify our esteemed institution as the premier provider of tall, slippery obelisks to our nation’s best and brightest.”

The current monument was dedicated in 1860 to Commander William L. Herndon, who was known to have scaled at least 47 grease poles during his career as a naval officer, in combat as well as on scientific explorations. Most alumni agree there is no better way to honor his memory than by erecting the tallest, thickest, smoothest pole the U.S. military has ever seen.