NAVY YARD, Washington, DC — Acting Chief of Naval Operations Lisa M. Franchetti today announced that Rear Admiral Roger S. Trull, subject of multiple accusations that he had fucked around, will retire early without really finding out.

Trull was slated to assume duties as the Chief of Naval Personnel, an assignment that came with a third star, until allegations of distributing illicit narcotics, adultery, conduct unbecoming an officer, lying to investigators, driving under the influence, and attempted concealment of a corpse came to light.

Breathless press coverage gave many of the citizens who have paid Trull’s salary for more than three decades the impression that justice would be swift and terrible. They were not wrong. Trull will lose upwards of $6200 a year in retirement pay by retiring as a senior Rear Admiral (Upper Half) rather than Vice Admiral. Even with the almost certain 100% VA disability payment Trull will receive, his pretax annual retirement and disability pay will likely not rise above $195,290.40.