MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina — While attempting to escape the communist regime of China for the sanctuary of the United States, aerial balloonist Dong Chao Feiyu met a grizzly end over the waters of the U.S. East Coast last month. Following the orders of President Joe Biden, the Air Force blew both the balloon and Dong’s aspirations to smithereens, employing a million dollar missile to puncture a hundred dollar inflatable airship.

“Fuck,” Air Force spokesman Captain Buck Turgidson told reporters. “We didn’t know.”

Dong, a balloon pilot normally assigned to fly balloons for the Great Leap Forward Weather Observation Squadron Number 6, absconded with a heavily guarded spy craft. How he did so is still being investigated, according to anonymous sources in China’s People’s Ministry for State Security.