By Magnus Falcon

MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin’s campaign to unite ethnic Russians in neighboring countries by destroying their cities and homes has been hamstrung due to what some security analysts say is a failure on the part of the Russian military elite to achieve the proper “need-to-know” approval.

Sources revealed that the Russian military’s apparent failures stem from Russian Chief of the General Staff Valery Gerasimov’s inability to achieve a passing score on his OPSEC computer-based training. Lacking the proper training documentation, Gerasimov was denied access to relevant war plans which prevented him from providing clear tasking and purpose for subordinate forces.

Gerasimov’s failed training quickly led to the Russian military’s failure to take Ukraine’s capital city, the collapse of the ruble, a demoralized fighting force, and possible global thermonuclear armageddon.

Russia’s stalled invasion has puzzled military analysts who speculate that many military units are operating independently of a coherent plan. Some wayward Russian soldiers have indicated to Ukrainian citizens that they believed they were involved in a military training exercise, rather than an actual war.

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“I sure wish I knew what we are doing… or why,” said a dazed Russian Battalion Tactical Group lieutenant as he looked at his shoes, and then to the horizon. In the distance, a civilian Ukrainian apartment building exploded.

“But in the end, I guess it is important that we keep information secure,” he concluded.