MOSCOW – The Russian Federation intelligence “sparrow” school has launched a new program to train fat, tattooed women to seduce lower enlisted analysts, sources confirmed today.

“For decades, we’ve trained elegant, sensual, intelligent women to lure high-level officers and diplomats into compromising ‘honeypot’ traps,” said Col. Vladimir Nutskoff. “As we tried to expand the program to send ballerinas and rocket scientists to seduce e-6 imagery analysts, we found that they couldn’t make eye contact with our agents. The system had to change.”